My story behind breastfeeding and eventually deciding to put my baby on formula is something I would like to share on this blog. Mostly because there is so much pressure on mums these days to breastfeed. I completely understand why and wish I hadn't struggled so much with breastfeeding, and had been able to feel like I could continue. But I didn't, and because I didn't and there is so much pressure I went through a worse time than was necessary.
There is three stages to my experience with breast and formula feeding: pregnancy and pre birth, post birth and breast feeding and eventually formula feeding.
Pregnancy
Before I gave birth I would characterise myself as a pro breastfeeding, natural mother type. I was secretly judgemental about women who didn't breastfeed, especially ones that formula fed from day one. I assumed that I would naturally fall into an easy breastfeeding routine with my new baby. I did understand that it can be difficult to get a good latch and struggling at the beginning was normal, but I was still deluding myself into believing I would find it relatively easy. I researched getting a good latch, listened intently during antenatal classes and read the information given to me from cover to cover. Armed with all this I was so certain I would be a natural at breastfeeding, however this is not how it happened...
Post Birth and Breastfeeding
My labour lasted 35 hours and ended in an emergency C section, needless to say it was a long, tiring experience. Immediately after the surgery I was taken to a recovery room and was encouraged to breastfeed straight away. My son seemed to have a good latch immediately and the closeness you feel during breastfeeding is euphoric. All this only heightened my sense of breastfeeding being easy. However, within 24 to 48 hours my breasts had started hurting, which can be normal even when your baby has a good latch. I had been seen by serval midwives and breastfeeding supporters by this point, all confirming everything I knew and stating how my son had a good latch.
After 4 days my milk still hadn't come through, which it normally has by this point. Because of this my son was still only getting small amounts of colostrum and was constantly sucking on my breast wanting more (this is meant to encourage the milk but it can really hurt your nipples). I could tell he was becoming dehydrated too, his mouth and lips seemed dry, he was constantly smacking his lips and he got urate crystals in his nappy. I knew I needed to give him something more than what he was getting but my milk just wasn't coming. One night he was screaming constantly and trying to feed all evening so I called my midwife and she said if I felt like I should give him some formula to tide him over than I could. I knew this was what he needed so we did a midnight run to Spar and bought some of the ready to feed Aptamil bottles. He greedily drank just 1oz and then fell asleep contented... He had obviously been hungry!
More days passed and by day 6 my milk still hadn't come in so I was supplementing his breastfeeding with formula to keep him hydrated. It also helped get rid of his new baby jaundice. I was also pumping to really encourage my milk to come through. Sadly, delayed milk can be caused by having a C section and my milk arrived on day 7!!!
By this time my nipples were generally sore from my baby trying to suckle at only small doses of thick colostrum. It felt like it was more than that too, so I got the breastfeeding support worker and midwives to look at his latch. Again they said it was good but it just didn't feel right. Despite my milk coming in breastfeeding continued to hurt, and combining that with recovering from a C section really took its toll. I felt emotional and like every part of my body hurt! After all my silly beliefs I would be a natural at breastfeeding I was feeling very disillusioned and was strongly, secretly considering full time formula.
However, I was very afraid to actually say this out loud, even to my husband. Would I be a bad mum if I did this? I was scared everyone would judge me, even family and friends. Everything I had been told, especially by healthcare professionals, was that breast is best. You have to do the best for your baby etc etc... I was shocked to be informed by the teacher in antenatal classes that she couldn't, wasn't allowed to, discuss formula feeding during classes. She could only promote breastfeeding and if we wanted to know about formula we had to approach her one on one after class! I feel now that this policy leaves many mums feeling added pressure, which can be very bad during the fragile state you can be in during postpartum. It also means you don't know anything about formula feeding, in my case I needed to feed my dehydrated baby formula and could have really done with more information beforehand.
Formula
In this final stage of my baby feeding journey I have been the most content and confident with my baby. Once I made the decision to slowly move to formula full time I felt such relief.
The decision came about because my husband was going back to work after his paternity leave and I was still recovering from my c section. I couldn't even get into the shower alone, but now I was expected to care for a baby on my own during the day. All while still struggling with painful breastfeeding! It was at this point that I openly admitted to my husband that I wanted to move to formula and he supported whatever I decided to do. I needed to feel like I could cope with feeding my baby. We decided together that I would pump milk and give him a couple of bottles of breast milk every day while formula feeding for the rest. I would slowly reduce the milk I pumped until our baby became fed on formula full time. This lasted a few weeks, so my son had about 5 weeks of combination feeding. He definitely got a decent amount of colostrum too, as my milk took forever to come in.
Although I am happy my son is now on formula I do miss the closeness you feel while breastfeeding. I know that breast is best and wish I hadn't struggled as much as I had, but I wanted to share my story and say it is okay if you decide to formula feed your baby. Being a new mum can be hard, you don't need the added pressure about breastfeeding if you struggle or it isn't for you.
Once I told my family and friends I was formula feeding they were all supportive, not one of them judged me for it. Although I explained why I had decided on formula to them I didn't really have to, everyone took my decision and accepted it without judgement.
Most importantly my son is a healthy, happy 2 month old baby. He is eating well, growing well and hitting all his development markers.
I hope this helps some mums contemplating formula for one reason or another, especially anyone worried about the pressure you may feel about breastfeeding verses formula.
